Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
