So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
In America we eat man semen.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
He? As in you personified your dick?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
