i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
