Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
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