My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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