I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
