I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Pants are for mortals
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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