dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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