I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
