respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
