It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
