dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Actions speak louder than pants.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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