Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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