He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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