can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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