just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
