I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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