I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Randomize
