I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
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