You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
why is half of my head shaved?
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