you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Randomize
