I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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