Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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