i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
