the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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