At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
