Soap is not a condiment
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
