Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Dear god my vagina.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
