I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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