i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
