I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
