Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
