Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
