For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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