Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
