Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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