so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I think I am morally bankrupt
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
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