The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
