Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
