I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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