am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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