i permit you to call me
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
