She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
