I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
