She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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