my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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