she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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