He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
