My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
