I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
