I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
