Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
