Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
