Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
40s are totally the cure
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
