you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
